Jeff Kaley
Waurika News-Democrat
WAURIKA —
Ladies and gentlemen, administrators, faculty, distinguished guests, parents and members of the high school graduating Class of 2010, thanks very much for the honor of being your keynote speaker on commencement day.
This is a humbling moment for me, and I must confess, somewhat befuddling. I assume I was invited to speak at your graduation because:
1. Justin Timberlake and I bear a striking resemblance to one another, since we’re both males and we like to think we can sing.
2. Your two other choices demanded exorbitant speaking fees. Lady Gaga won’t enter Oklahoma for less than 50 grand and a kiss from Jim Inhofe, and Sarah Palin wanted $1.2 million, plus a 15 percent cut of the concessions. All I wanted was gas money.
3. I like having Silly String sprayed in my face, and I have a fully inflated beachball hidden under my gown.
4. As a representative of the Baby Boom generation, I went through the American public school system (circa 1956-69) when it was the envy of the world, and you want a reason the system deteriorated in the past three decades.
First, Class of 2010, let me point out that although study after study shows American children aren’t learning as well as children in foreign countries such as Japan and Utah, your generation has produced the world’s best video game players.
Some of you can’t spell video, but now that there’s a Pro Video League, many of you will sign $45 million, 10-year player contracts and be laughing (that’s spelled, h-a h-a) all the way to the bank (that’s spelled, b-a-n-k, except in France, where it’s spelled, b-a-n-q-u-e).
In addition, in lieu of teaching you to spell, we gave you text messaging. The residual benefit from all that texting (by the way, “texting” is a made-up word) is that your generation has the strongest thumbs in the history of humankind! Your generation has the potential to change evolution, making the thumb the only necessary digit. And as we all know, opposable thumbs are what separate human beings from amoebas.
So, you’ve got that going for you.
Knowledge is our nation’s most precious resource, after farming and B.B. King. And in all fairness, after an all-time low period in the 1970s and ’80s, things have picked up in our public education system. Someone came up with the idea of stressing “basics,” and in the past decade there’s also been more emphasis on the art of test taking.
Still, many of you in the Class of 2010 plan to further your education at something we call “college.” What you’ll discover is: Although you had the credits and grade point average to qualify for college, about 30 percent of you will have to take remedial courses in English, math and science when you get there.
You’re entitled to ask: HOW THE HECK DID THIS HAPPEN?! And as a Baby Boom representative, I’m here to provide the answer: Even though we benefited from the world’s best public education system, we screwed it up for you guys.
Blame it on being raised in an affluent society. Blame it on parents who told us we were a “special generation.” Blame it on TV, social unrest, drugs, the nuclear threat or Vietnam, or as Kris Kristofferson suggested, “Blame it on the Rolling Stones.” Whatever the reason, the last generation to go through the American public education system at its best betrayed its legacy by giving you “public education light.”
Obsessed with taking on “the system,” as Baby Boomers became adults we tinkered with education; experimented with “new” concepts like “open classrooms,” “open-book tests” and “grades aren’t important.”
We decided compositions should be valued for “creativity,” not mundane things, like correct punctuation, grammar and spelling. We wanted you to mellow out and be filled with “self-esteem,” instead of being challenged by learning boring “facts,” like the dates of the Civil War or the Periodic Table of Elements.
Members of the Class of 2010, Baby Boomers are older now and we really, really regret having given you — and your parents — the educational shaft. We apologize and we’re trying to straighten things out.
Well, I see I’ve exceeded my time. So, Class of 2010, let me leave you with this thought from the great band The Band: Life is a carnival.
Now, pull out your Silly String and fire at will.
