Thank LSSU for battling word terrorists

Jeff Kaley

WAURIKA — In the continuing effort to make this nation secure from international terrorism, we’ve become accustomed to a growing conglomeration of agencies geared to keeping us safe.

You’ve got your Central Intelligence Agency, your Federal Bureau of Investigation, your National Security Agency, the Office of Homeland Security, the Transportation Security Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, the Office of Immigration, Interpol and a bunch of other entities so secret we don’t know their names, because if we did, the government would have to kill us.

International terrorists are insidious in their intent to bring the USofA to its knees, and although these protection agencies aren’t real good about communicating with one another, in the long run, they provide us some degree of security.

So does Lake Superior State University.

See, terrorists tactics go beyond underwear bombs, murdering innocent civilians in crowded market places, and other tragic, vicious acts of violence. The terrorists want to destroy our culture from within, and one way to do that is to clog everyday interpersonal communication with mis-used, over-used and generally useless words and phrases that degrade our language.

That’s where Lake Superior State University becomes vital in the national security effort. For 35 years, LSSU has been releasing its List of Words (and Phrases) Banished from the Queen’s English. It’s the Michigan college’s contribution to elevating public discourse and frustrating the terrorists’ attempt to cheapen our culture.

On the 2010 list are 15 words and phrases that should be “unfriended” as quickly as you can say “tweeting,” and reduce our language to a “transparent,” “shovel-ready,” “toxic asset.”

OK, you may have already caught on that the words and phrases in quote marks above are on the new list LSSU suggests banning for being mis-used, over-used and just plain useless.

Here are a few others the school recommends need to be tossed on the historic slag heap:

• Chillaxin’: A combination of chillin’ and relaxin’ that media mooks from MTV to ESPN to CNN have turned into a word that needs an axin’.

• Obama, used as a prefix or root: Even the Oxford Dictionary for 2009 includes Obamanomics, Obamanation, Obamafication, Obamacare, Obamalicious and Obamaland. That’s Obamaplenty!

• Teachable moment: Instruct this phrase — which could simply be called a “lesson” — to go away. It’s difficult enough to learn all the “teachable moments” of life.

• Czar: This media metaphor for a position of high authority should have been eliminated long ago. Instead of czars, it would be nice to see some “leaders” emerge for a change.

• In these economic times: Uh, ALL times are “these economic times,” aren’t they?

• Stimulus: If these grants are so stimulating, how come so many people feel so unstimulated by the over-use of the word?

• Too big to fail: This is a Draconian concept that scares middle-class folks and small children because of its ominous nature. At the same time, we don’t know if a company is too big to fail, unless it does fail and then it is no longer too big to fail!

Thanks to Lake Superior State University for the role it’s playing in the struggle against word terrorism. But as you might expect, I’ve got a couple suggestions the banishment czars missed.

The phrases “That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout” and “I’m just sayin’” should have been torched a generation ago.

“That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout” is nothing more than an ego stroke, because the user was actually right about something: perhaps for the first time. “I’m just sayin’” indicates the listener was too dense to catch the speaker’s drift the first time they said it.

And puh-leeze, will all oh-so-cool sports announcers and commentators exorcise the metaphor “pick six” from their tiresome lexicon?

A “pick six” is a pass interception by a defensive player that is returned for a touchdown or a possible interception that could have been returned for a TD if the defensive player had actually intercepted the pass.

When I hear “pick six” it’s like picking at a scab, and it keeps me from ever wanting to have a “bromance” with the offending announcer.

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