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October 15, 2009

Best to keep keep self-esteem in balance

Jeff Kaley

WAURIKA — Above all else in life, strive for balance. That’s a paraphrase of something wise I once read, and I’m not even sure who wrote it — either Benjamin Franklin, the great thinker, or Karl Wallenda, the great tightrope walker.

No matter who said it, the meaning is clear: To have a long, happy and productive life, and to be a positive influence on society, try to resist going to extremes.

At least, that’s how I interpret it, and since this is my space, you’ll just have to go along with my interpretation — or write your own column!

Some of you are now thinking: OK, Kaley, where the heck are you going with this balance thing?

Well, gang, lately I’ve been reading and pondering about the role self-esteem plays in interpersonal relationships. What I’m concluding is troubling: Too many people these days have far too much self-esteem, and it’s starting to irritate other people.

Like a lot of misguided social concepts, the trend toward high self-esteem started in the 1970s. It was the beginning of the Me Me Me Age, when Baby Boomers who spent the ’60s touting universal brotherhood made a 180-degree turn and started focusing on making themselves feel better about themselves.

A popular view arose in the ’70s that high self-esteem was a panacea for personal and social well-being. What’s followed have been decades of feel-good gurus extolling the virtue of high self-esteem.

But according to growing research, while it’s important in individual development, high self-esteem has been highly over-rated. It appears too many folks are walking around with their chests puffed up over how wonderful they are, when in fact, their feet have an oh-dear, just like everybody else’s.

Here in the 21st century, a new group of experts are discovering that an excess of high self-esteem may make you feel good about yourself, but it clearly doesn’t have that effect on others.

Dr. Roy Baumeister, a psychology professor at Florida State University says, “Self-esteem is defined by how much value people place on themselves, and is often based on self-judgments about one’s abilities and attributes — it’s perception rather than reality.

“It refers to a person’s belief about whether he or she is intelligent and attractive, for example, and does not necessarily say anything about whether the person actually is intelligent and attractive.”

This new view is based on a little flaw in the methodology of the priests and priestesses of the high self-esteem cult — their theory was based on research gathered by asking people how they felt about themselves.

Duh! Think about it: If you’re asked to compare yourself to others, how many of us reply, “Well, I’m not as smart as that woman?” Do we say, “I’m not as good looking as that guy over there?” Or who admits, “I’m not as talented as the other people I work with, and my feet stink?”

The skewed data gathered by asking people to assess themselves became the basis for the high self-esteem movement, and the result has been that fewer and fewer of us have a balanced self-perception.

The good news is that it’s not too late to reverse this misplaced narcissism. It will, however, take some rethinking about our self-worth, and it will take some self-discipline. (Yeah, I know, what a drag!)

Anyway, to help you get a grip on how you feel about you, here’s a step in developing a realistic self-perspective that I try to practice every morning.

First, I get out of bed and stumble into the bathroom. I flip on the light, stare into the mirror and then I scream, “Ooooh, my gawd!”

Try it yourself — it works. And if you can keep that image in the back of your mind for the rest of the day, it makes it a lot easier to keep your self-esteem in balance.

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