Jeff Kaley
Waurika News-Democrat
WAURIKA —
On the final day of the Islamocommie Gopher War of 2007, I awoke with a sense of dread and of hope.
It had been three weeks since my backyard was invaded by a tunneling horde of Islamocommie gophers, who ascribe to a weird socio-political philosophy combining the fundamentalist Islamic teachings of Ayatollah Khomeini and the communist principles of Karl Marx.
Realizing the threat these wacko rodents presented to democracy as we know it, I accepted the burden of saving our nation. The furry jihadists had to be stopped, and since they chose to trash my yard, it seemed the right place and time to declare, “Enough is enough.”
I’d tried several different ways to stop the incursion, employing non-violent and violent methods designed to force the critters to move on or send them to gopher Nirvana.
None of the previous attempts worked, but that morning I had a feeling this was the day I would solve the problem — or go stark, raving mad.
Two days before, I purchased a dozen pinwheels, which I’d found helpful during previous sorties against gophers. I’d also gotten some advice from a woman who had success using cottonballs soaked in Tobasco sauce to eliminate gophers.
The youngest son and I had set up the pinwheels and stuffed the fiery cottonballs into the mounds. Now, it was time to assess the results.
Walking outside, I noticed the backyard smelled like a Tex-Mex restaurant and thought, “Well, maybe those hot sauce-laced cottonballs did the job.”
But that positive vibe quickly faded. Looking over what was once a well-manicured yard, I noticed that three new gopher mounds had appeared.
“YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN’ ME!” I howled. Frustration surged through me and I dropped to my knees, not knowing whether to bawl or bang my head against the privacy fence.
And that’s when I got a gander of one of the Islamocommie gophers for the first time.
There he was, right beside one of the new dirt hills. He was laid back in a lil’ chaise lounger, with a pinwheel propped up in front of him. And while a cool breeze gently wafted across his face, the vile creature was nibbling on one of the Tabasco-drenched cottonballs!
Our eyes met, and to my amazement the gopher grinned and said, “Hey, you Yankee pig dog, send out some tortilla chips and queso! And how about some refried beans and rice?”
Then he raised a paw and executed a finger gesture all humans recognize.
That’s when I snapped. I saw red and I began to bellow.
“I’ve tried to be humane! I’ve tried reason and détente, hoping to avoid turning you varmints into great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts!
“But, noooo! You Islamocommie mutants don’t want peace; y’all don’t want to live in harmony. You gophers are all about violence and chaos. That’s all you understand!
“Prepare to die, you fuzzy bundles of terror!”
I went over and grabbed the garden hose, and turned the spigot full blast. When I ran toward the sunbathing gopher, he went scampering under ground. But I shoved the hose in behind him, and for the next two hours, I pumped the equivalent of Waurika Lake into the gophers’ tunnel system.
Every so often, I’d hear what sounded like a squeaky, “Glub! Glub!” But I’d lost all compassion. I just kept watching as the mounds melted, turning into a mud flow in which gopher carcasses would occasionally float past.
Not that I was obsessed, but every day for weeks I used the hose to unleash the second coming of the Great Flood into the gopher superstructure.
After a month, no new tunnels or mounds had appeared. I decided to fly onto the deck of an aircraft carrier and declare victory in the Islamocommie Gopher War of 2007.
So, what did I gain from this harrowing experience?
Well, aside from saving the USofA from being ruled by terrorist rodents, I had to accept that some situations can become so dire that violence is the only alternative.
In addition, I now know 274 ways to get rid of gophers — some of which actually work — and I’ve become another American entrepreneurial success story.
You see, all that water eroded my backyard and caused it to drop about 20 feet. Now, there are tourists stopping by who pay $15 each to see the world famous Kaley Sinkhole.
