Jeff Kaley
Waurika News-Democrat
WAURIKA —
Friends and neighbors, when you awoke this morning, you probably noticed the same thing I did — it’s summer vacation time in the USofA.
OK, if you’re a stickler for accuracy, today isn’t really summer, because the summer equinox doesn’t officially arrive until 2:24 a.m. on June 21. And if you’re a parent who’s actually piled the kids in the family auto and gone for a vacation road trip that’s supposed to be fun and relaxing, you know the term vacation is a misnomer.
But that’s just picking nits. For the sake of this discussion, let’s agree it’s summer vacation time.
Summer vacation is a human ritual that began in 3006 BC, when an ancient Egyptian named Totenaload turned to his wife Phyllis and said, “Hey, honey, let’s load up the chariot with a bunch of stuff we won’t need and take a long trip. Maybe we can find a place they have trees and water. And just for fun, we’ll make the kids go, too.”
Now that you’re positioned historically, my purpose — as always — is to enlighten and inform you, and otherwise prepare you for Armageddon. So here are some valuable facts you’ll need in preparing for that much-anticipated summer vacation:
- The most popular vacation destinations for Americans are: 1.) domestic sites; and, 2.) foreign lands.
Domestic sites, of course, are anywhere within the borders of the United States, along with Hawaii, Alaska, the District of Columbia and Jamaica.
Foreign lands are defined as “places not in the U.S.” Examples are: Great Britain, Peru, Botswana and Utah.
- If the family wants to visit domestic sites, make sure everyone is on the same page about where you’re going in the time allotted. If all you have is a week, and you want to visit Yellowstone and the wife favors New England and the oldest kid wants to go to El Lay and the youngest child screams, “Take me to Disney World!”, obviously, there are logistical and timing problems.
This is when the Man of the House has to step in and make a final decision, and ol’ Dad has two options: 1.) Invoke another time-honored American tradition called “separate vacations”; or, 2.) Drive the family to Redbud Park in Marlow, let everybody gander at that hole in the ground that might be where the Marlow brothers used to hide out, then drive back home and watch TV.
- If foreign lands are your vacation destination, avoid places where being an American puts you at risk. That would include the Middle East, Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, Canada, Mexico and Utah.
Other handy tips for visiting foreign lands include:
1. Don’t touch anything.
2. Don’t drink the water, including bottled water. People in foreign lands have discovered Americans think any water in a bottle is “safe.” Because of that, those conniving furriners fill up empty bottles at the local horse trough, sell them for $5.50 each and laugh hysterically while American tourists spend their entire vacation in the bathroom.
3. Don’t draw attention to yourself by making Dumb American statements like: “That Acropolis thingie just looks like a pile of rocks” or “Ain’t there a Mickey D’s in this town?”
4. Avoid revealing you’re an American by learning the phrase “No speaky de Engleesh.”
I seem to be running out of space, which is a shame — there were 1,274 other travel tips I wanted to pass along that can help you have a memorable summer vacation. But there is enough room for me to make two other crucial suggestions to those of you planning a domestic vacation.
First, NEVER EVER pack six adults, two dogs and most of your household belongings into a used Winnebago that has engine problems and a clogged commode, and then head out for two weeks of site-seeing in the Great American West.
I have personal experience in making such a journey, and one day, when space allows, I’ll tell you about “The Vacation from Hell!”
Second, as high as gas prices are these days, who can afford to drive anywhere for vacation anyway?
Forget about doing anything fun and relaxing, let the kids go hang out with their buds and budettes, which is what they’d rather do in the first place, and resign yourself to finally addressing that “honey-do” list the wife’s been harping about for the past 11 months.
