Jeff Kaley
Waurika News-Democrat
WAURIKA —
As you’re sitting back this evening, taking stock of the day, ask yourself this question: How many times did I lie today?
Whoa! Did I prick a nerve? Are you one of those folks who believes you’re a completely honest individual, someone who always shoots straight, is always forthcoming?
Are you like my 20somethng sons, who are fervently in search of TRUTH; stridently believing anything but complete honest is hypocrisy?
You are? Ha! You’re a liar, just like the rest of us.
Hey, I’m not condemning anyone. Stretching, bending or otherwise mutilating the truth is a shared human trait. None of us are 100 percent honest 100 percent of the time. Were that the case, our species would have been extinct long ago and spiders would be battling cockroaches for supremacy of the planet.
Regardless how righteously honest and up-front we strive to be, we all succumb to sidestepping the truth, and we do so on a daily basis. In fact, according to statistics from the Federal Bureau of Big Windies, the Average American tells 3.628 lies per day. The frequency of fibbing rises as we move up the social and economic ladder, cresting with the Average American Politician, who tells 362.8 lies per minute.
(OK, I just lied about all that — except the part about politicians.)
Why do we lie?
Well, a percentage of us simply aren’t honest people. They’re folks who’ve lied, lied, lied all their lives, and wouldn’t know the truth if it was tattooed on their foreheads. Those are the people who need therapy, except many of them are too busy being politicians to visit a shrink.
A majority of us are basically honest people, who daily skirt the truth because of etiquette, to avoid needlessly offending someone or to deflect a confrontation that might leave us with a black eye. These are the White Lies of Civilized People, things we say every day, like:
“You look great in that.”
Or “That is so cool!”
Or “It’s so good to see you.”
Or “It was a great party.”
Or “How did you know this is just what I needed?”
Or “This is really delicious.”
Or “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you.”
Or “I’d love to stop by, but I have to be in Peru that day.”
Or “I’m still nursing a broken heart and I’m not ready for a serious relationship at the moment.”
Or “If I can help, let me know.”
Or “Oh, what a lovely child.”
Or “You could be right.”
We emit these lil’ white lies out of habit. We don’t want others to know our honest reaction, because we’re afraid they might have their feelings hurt, fire us, commit suicide or get angry and flail us to a bloody pulp.
Instead of the lil’ white lies above, what we’re really thinking and not saying is:
“You know, some women shouldn’t wear blouses that expose their midriff. Flab hanging over a belt buckle isn’t attractive no matter your gender.”
And “That is so amazingly stooopeeed!”
And “Oh, not you again!”
And “This is such a drag. I’ve had more fun putting up dry wall.”
And “I’ll never take this out of the box. I’ll re-gift it next Christmas!”
And “Cat vomit is more tasty.”
And “I worked my tail off and deserved that promotion, not you. So, eat glass and die!”
And “I don’t even want to know where you live.”
And “You are a major doofus! I wouldn’t get caught dead being seen with you. I can’t believe you have the gall to ask me out!”
And “I don’t wanna help, and I just gave you the wrong home phone number.”
And “Are they missing one of the baby monkeys at the zoo?”
And “You have the IQ of a chicken leg, and the next time you say anything that makes sense it will be the first time.”
These are the truths we don’t utter, because we care about other people’s feelings, and we’d prefer that others don’t think of us as the biggest jerk in the universe. They are among the lil’ white lies I believe are a forgivable sin and help hold civilization together.
And I know most of you are sitting there thinking: “Kaley, you’re right. This is the best column you’ve ever written.”
Liar, liar! Pants on fire!
